Dear Son (An Open Letter to Family & Friends)

Dear Son,

You’re only 3 years old, and already people have opinions about you.

Even before you were born, they tried to fit you into a box, assigning you to the color blue because you were born with male genitalia. When your dad was born, the doctor said, “He’s going to be a football player.”

What if, when a person was born, we simply said, “I can’t wait to see the person you become.” What if we nurtured the person and their interests, instead of assigning them the archetypes society thinks they should become.   

Son, people have opinions about what you should or shouldn’t play with, who you should be, what you should believe, say, and do. And most recently, people have opinions about what you should or shouldn’t wear.

I’m talking about your beautiful dresses.

Most people are quiet when they see you wearing a dress. Some smile, affirming your beauty and individuality with warm, welcoming eyes. Others vocalize their support, commenting on how much they love your new dress, connecting with you on your favorite aspects of the dress—the pockets, the yellowness, the way it twirls when you start spinning (you do this whenever you hear the song, “Let it Go”).

These are the people we will surround you with. The people who love you for who you are no matter what you’re wearing or how you choose to express yourself, the people who won’t judge you for wearing a certain color or a particular cut of cloth.

Others are quiet when they see you wearing your beautiful dresses because they’re uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the situation. Some kids have questions, “Is he a boy or a girl? Why is he wearing a dress?” Some adults assume, “She’s so cute.”  

And then there are those who feel disgust, even repulsion, when they see you in your beautiful dresses. Unfortunately, I’m talking about family. 

We’ve been told that certain relatives feel extremely uncomfortable when they see you wearing a dress.

We’ve been told that, were we to show up at a family event with you in one of your beautiful dresses, a civil war might ensue.

We’ve been asked to consider the clothing we put you in before attending a family event or visiting a relative’s house, because your dress might upset them. But your dad and I are not responsible for their emotions, and neither are you. You, my dear son, are our priority. I refuse to appease someone else’s discomfort while denying you your expression and individuality. You are always free to wear what you want.

We’ve been told that relatives don’t like the image it portrays or the message that it sends to your cousins when they see you wearing a dress.

My son, there are two families in this world: the family you’re born with, and the family you build. Your dad and I are working hard to build and surround you with a supportive family, where you will feel welcome to be yourself, where you’ll constantly be reminded that you—and your dresses or whatever you choose to wear—are perfect just the way you are, that you are loved just the way you are.

Some say they love you, but they do not accept you for who you truly are. Son, it is not love if you are asked to conform or change yourself to gain their acceptance. You have nothing to prove. There is nothing wrong with you.

The problem lies within religions that claim to “welcome all” while condemning certain populations. The problem lies within institutions that claim to “love all” while denying self-expression and attempting to regulate who and how someone can love. The problem lies within a society that perpetuates restrictive gender norms.

Everyone can love who they love and be who they are. Any organization that tries to tell you otherwise is preaching a doctrine of division, phobia, and hate.

In the morning, when you pick out your clothes, you should not be judged for what you choose to pull off the hanger. Your family and friends should love you regardless of what you want to wear. They should love you in your Elsa dress, your dinosaur costume, your yellow zip up hoodie. They should love you in nothing, they should love you in everything. They should love you because you are you.

You are loved just the way you are.

You are perfect just the way you are.

My son, the image you portray is beauty, strength, kindness, creativity, and love. The message you are sending when you wear one of your beautiful dresses is that it’s right and essential and beautiful to celebrate who we are as individuals. And that’s the f*cking truth.

Dear son, you’re only 3 years old, and everything about you is exceptional. I am so grateful and honored to be your Mom. You are exactly what our family needs, and I can’t wait to see the person you become.

Love,

Mom

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